commentary, philosophy, and outright rants

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

No abilities, desires, or talents?

A scholar then asked:

“Could you advise me of a proper vocation, Master?”

He then said:

“Some men can earn their keep with the power of their minds.  Others must use their backs and hands.  This is the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily, such as rabbits, horses and elephants.  Other animals must struggle for their food, like flamingos, moles, and ants.  So you see, the nature of the vocation must fit the individual.”

“But I have no abilities, desires, or talents,  Master,” the man sobbed.

“Have you ever thought of becoming a stockbroker?” the Master queried.

From The Profit
by Kehlog Albran

Daring to be painfully dorky

From GiggleSugar:

Comedic Gymnastics? Hells Yeah!

Paul Hunt, a renown gymnast and women’s coach, never took himself or his sport too seriously. He blended comedy with skill and his ever-present alter ego, Señora Pauletta, became a fan fave. Here she is, pretty in pink and pigtailed to boot, tackling the uneven bars. Her form is a little off, but she’s flipping funny for the win. Wait for the landing — it’s comedy gold!

An engineer’s guide to cats

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/2369949/7403850

Charge of the beeotch

Found this on MySpace, surprised I haven’t seen it before especially since it was written back in 2001…

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Charge of the Beeotch

Listen to the words of the Great Beeotch she who of old is known as Arwen, Inanna, Jaz, Kriselda, Lynna, Raven, Suzi, and Wolfrose, and by many other names, some best left censored:

Whenever you have need of anything once in the month, and better it be when it is not my moontime or any other time when I might be tired or already irritable, then shall you gather and adore me, who am Queen of all Bitches. There shall you gather, you who desire to learn the true Art of Bitchcraft, yet have not honed it to razor sharp precision; to these I will teach the esotericism of true bitchiness. And you shall be free from fluff; and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall cite tradition, correct misconception, bad grammar, spelling errors, and demand proper capitalization, and punctuation. For I am educated and can read above third grade level. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it and if anyone tries to stop you, smack them hard upside the head. For mine is the determination to succeed and educate the ignorant.

I am the Queen Mother Bitch, Who can give the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man or woman if you have not seriously ticked me off. On Earth, I give the Knowledge that to communicate effectively and honestly is no crime; and beyond death, I give peace from the fools who have annoyed you and freedom from those fools and reunion with other great Bitches who have gone before you. And actually, I do demand sacrifice, for behold; Putting up with these twits wears on my nerves. I am the Bitch of All Living and My Ire is poured out upon the Earth when I am grumpy.

Hear ye the Words of the Star Goddess: She under Whose Feet all stupid people are Dust, Whose Body encircleth the Universe especially when She is bloated.

I, Who am the Bitch Queen of the Earth and the Black Mood amongst the Stars, and the Mystery of why idiots are not drowned in my Waters, and the Desire of the heart of man to avoid Me when I get like this.I call unto thy soul, all ye who would be Bitches: “Arise! And come unto Me!”

For I am the Soul of the Bitch, Who giveth Crap back to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return and if they don’t get here fast enough, I may hurt something. And before My Face, which is bitchy and known to all gods and men, thine innermost Bitch Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.

Let My Worship be within the heart that tolerates no shit, for behold: all acts of bitchiness and honesty are my rituals. And therefore let there be bitching and strength, honesty and compassion, honor and humor, mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if thou are stupid who seekest Me, then thou shalt never find Me.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of PMS.

Copyright © 2001 Arwen Nightstar and Gwen Wolfrose, all rights reserved.  May be reposted anywhere so long as this copyright is included.